I do not know why I strive to be perfect around others. I always thought that I had to get my life together so that I will have the ability to help others. However, I am constantly reminded that I am not perfect. I always thought that I should have my mental differences under control to help people with similar psychological differences. I have been talking to my therapist, and she says that individuals like people who have experience in dealing with mental health and people who are listeners. I love things to be in a particular order, and if things do not go the way I planned, then I considered myself a failure. I have people constantly reminding me that it is okay to make mistakes.
I feel incomplete. I feel pressured by society to have everything together by my early twenties. I think that society has constructed a timeline for me about when I am supposed to get my education done, when I am supposed to get married and how am I supposed to look. They show me constant reminders of how imperfect my life can be. Do not get me wrong it is essential to get an education to advance in life and be able to support your family or yourself financially. However, society makes you think that the world is perfect, and if you meet the requirements, then your life will be great.
Perfectionism
What is it?
I would define it as wanting things flawless and trying not to be a failure. You are reaching for the unrealistic goals and high standards for yourself and others around you. This would be the non-adaptive (maladaptive) form of perfectionism. Wanting to control everything in your life. When things do not go as planned, you become agitated and think negatively. This has been linked to depression and anxiety. Adaptive perfectionism is having high expectations and goals that are reasonable and realistic.
Types of Perfectionism
The Multidimensional Perfectionism scale (Hewitt, 2003) identifies perfectionism as three traits:
- Social-Prescribed perfectionism (SPP): You believe that others have high and unrealistic expectations for you. You are hard on yourself of what people think you, especially when you feel that you don’t meet their expectations. This can lead to anxiety, depression and confidence issues.
- Other-oriented perfectionism: You critic others and judge them based on the unrealistic expectations you have from them. I like to think about being in group projects because you have an expectation for everyone in the group to work on something, If they don’t hold up on their end, then it could lead you to having problems with working others again.
- Self-Oriented perfectionism: You are conscientious, you set high expectations for your life and work. Having high self-oriented is the most connected to adaptive traits, responding with excellent productivity and success.
Signs of Perfectionism: Getting Out of Control (Gregoire, 2017)
- Procrastinating of important tasks
- All or nothing thinking
- Wanting to please others
- Taking things personal
- Closing yourself off/hard time opening-up
Childhood
I “interviewed” my mother and asked her if I held expectations as a child. She said that I did hold expectations. It started when my family started to teach me right from wrong. I would ask a lot of questions if I saw something/did something that was abnormal or what I considered wrong. My mom would explain to me the best she could to a child. For example, if we were going grocery shopping and my mom didn’t put the cart back at the cart rack. I would ask her why she didn’t put the cart in the right spot. Sometimes it was not that someone did anything wrong but could be how they look. I saw a man dressed in women’s clothes and I said why was he dressed in like that. My mother said that some people like to dress that way.
High Expectation
Do you know what I do not like? When people do not follow through on what they say or when people think that a standard only applies to me and not to them. This would include my parents, sometimes. When I go somewhere on my own, my mother would expect me to text me when I arrived at the place safe and sound. When my mother went to the airport to go out of town, she can’t text or call her daughter telling her that she made it safe. If you are close to me- like a friend, a family member, etc., it means that I care about you. I feel that you should care for me also. If you do not follow through on a certain expectation, then I will feel hurt. It makes it seems like you do not care that I care about you.
Do you guys not care that I care about you?
I am not asking for much. I care about your well-being.
I also believe to always give your best, and I think that others should do the same. I have a distorted way of thinking that I sometimes don’t think about what the other person is thinking.
All or Nothing
I also think about the extreme outcomes when I am in certain situations. For example, when you finish taking an exam, I don’t think it was alright. It was either I did very well or very poorly. This is all or nothing thinking. If you do not think your performance was flawless, then you believe that you are a failure. There is no neutral zone, it is only a good zone or a bad zone.
Encouragement
I have learned that society cannot tell me how to dress, who to date, how to look and etc. One thing I can be is myself. I can only be myself and nobody else. I can’t control the words or the actions people do. However, I can control the way I react to those words and actions. This inner strength within me. Also, think about the circumstances that the person is in before responding negatively. My mother was unable to text or call due to her not having good service at the airport. This made me feel bad for thinking that she wouldn’t text me.
Another thing would be to turn unrealistic goals into realistic goals. Finding things that will bring you satisfaction. I like to see improvement. So, I volunteer with kids who are considered “at-risk.” When I come to the place to volunteer, I always feel happy because they are excited to see me work with them on their homework or whatever task they are doing. I also love to see the kids I teach dance too because the kids take the time to say “Thank you” for teaching dance and making the class fun. I am able to see how they improve from the beginning of the school year to the end which makes me content. Though I have to remind myself constantly that I am not perfect, they point out that giving your best will bring more contentment than trying to perfect all the time.
References
Bonfil, A. (2015, April 15). Recognizing Cognitive Distortions: All-or-Nothing Thinking. Retrieved June 07, 2019, from http://cogbtherapy.com/cbt-blog/cognitive-distortions-all-or-nothing-thinking
Dykman, LifeAndMyFinances, Annette, Hunter, D., Jessica, Cara, . . . First Gen American. (2018, November 21). Underachievement and the All-or-Nothing Mindset. Retrieved June 07, 2019, from https://www.getrichslowly.org/underacheivement-and-the-all-or-nothing-mindset/Fields, K. (2019, May 01). The Imperfection of Perfectionism – #1 Mental Health Blog. Retrieved June 07, 2019, from https://www.talkspace.com/blog/the-imperfection-of-perfectionism/ (Feature Image)
Gregoire, C. (2017, December 07). 14 Signs Your Perfectionism Has Gotten Out Of Control. Retrieved June 07, 2019, from https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-perfectionism-is-ruin_n_4212069?guccounter=1
Hewitt, P. L., Flett, G. L., Sherry, S. B., Habke, M., Parkin, M., Lam, R. W., . . . Stein, M. B. (2003). The interpersonal expression of perfection: Perfectionistic self-presentation and psychological distress. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(6), 1303-1325.
Lombardo, E., Ph.D. (2016, November 18). 9 Signs That You Might Be a Perfectionist. Retrieved June 07, 2019, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/better-perfect/201611/9-signs-you-might-be-perfectionist
Riggio, R. E., Ph.D. (2015, February 03). Which Type of Perfectionist Are You? Retrieved June 07, 2019, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201502/which-type-perfectionist-are-you
Wilding, M. (2018, February 23). There are three ways to be a perfectionist, and not all of them are bad. Retrieved June 07, 2019, from https://qz.com/work/1213866/there-are-three-types-of-perfectionism-and-not-all-of-them-are-bad/
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