Some of the posts was written when I was still in undergraduate. I am going back to tie up some loose ends.
Is saying no an introvert or extrovert thing?
There is a misconception that introverted people are shy and don’t have excellent communication skills, and you’re mistaken. It is neither an introvert nor an extrovert thing; it is a human thing!
I recently went to my therapist for a monthly checkup. I told her some of the things I had been feeling. I told her how I broke down and cried in front of my mother about not being able to have a break during spring break 2019 (March 3-10). I explained how I felt like my friends were able to get a break from both work and school. I wasn’t rewarded with that luxury. Though I was mentally and physically exhausted. My therapist said it sounded like I didn’t know how to prioritize my break because I felt like I didn’t need to care for myself. She said that the reason I was feeling was the absolute best reason for a break. Sometimes it is okay to say “no.” I told her I didn’t have a good reason to say “no.” “Not being mentally exhausted and taking care of yourself is not a good reason to say that you can’t subclasses?” She continued to explain that my friends and coworkers prioritized taking a break and getting away from Greenville/ECU. I also explained to her that I wanted to work at something other than dance over the summer. She expressed her thought on why I shouldn’t work at dance over the summer because it was not helping me develop as a person. She asked me if there were things that I wanted to do over the summer. I had a lot of things that I wanted to try over the summer:
- Be a camp counselor
- Take art classes in drawing and painting
- Travel
- Take dance classes but not teach dance
- Take classes/go to conferences that expand my knowledge
- Research
- Work more at my internship
She said it was a good idea to partake in these things because she could tell that getting involved would help me grow and develop.
Why am I afraid to say no?
I assumed all the responsibility fell on my shoulders. I thought things would fall apart if I weren’t there to help. I was frightened. I was scared to disappoint, scared to be rejected, and scared to let people down for whatever reason made up in my mind. I wanted to show that I could be helpful. If I said no, I thought they would frown upon me. To keep people feeling happy, I thought saying yes would help. I didn’t want to see people sad, angry, or disappointed because I said no. I was so focused on other people’s well-being that I lost sight of my own.
Another reason, I had this assumption that I would be considered a mean person. When I was a teen when I tried to say no. I was told that I was being mean or I didn’t care. When I was a teen and tried to say no, I would get negative responses. Some adults in my immediate would tell me how much they have done for me and what they did for me. I understand now as an adult that some could easily persuade me to do what they wanted without them doing any of the work, especially those who I considered “friends.” I wanted to avoid any confrontation or drama.
The lack of saying no was also tied to what I thought was self-worth. My values were skewed. I wanted to prove to people that I was somebody. It was about getting validation and approval. I was about to be seen. I was overly concerned about other people, their needs, and concerns that I often forgot my own needs. Since I am a perfectionist, I felt this need to control certain things because I was afraid it would not be done right or correctly. If I took things into my own hands, it would fit my standards. I lacked boundaries. I didn’t have any in place for myself and others. I didn’t know what boundaries were or how to establish them until I passed my pushing point.
What does not saying no lead to?
Saying yes to almost everything led me to be emotionally and mentally depleted. I was burnt out. I was going through the motions. I was running past E. I was not myself entirely. I was a robot. My body was telling me one thing, but fear had such a stronghold that I did the opposite. My self-esteem wasn’t there because I didn’t know how to balance, care, effort, and energy for others and myself. I missed out on some great opportunities to enjoy college because I placed work and school over the needs of my own.
Word of Encouragement
It is now 2022, almost 2023. I have learned a lot by saying no. It was knowing when to say appropriate and how to say it. It was difficult the first few times to say no. I was challenged because that fear was telling me not to say it. I felt relief, and nothing terrible happened when I said it. They went on to solve the problem if I was absent. For dance, when I was told I could not sub for them. They went on to find someone else.
If you are scared to say no, like I once was, I practiced saying no with my therapist. Eventually, it got easier to say. It was quiet at first and, with time, grew with confidence. Life will move on, and you will be okay when you say it. When you say no, you don’t have to give any reasons for saying no. I thought I had to own people an explanation as to why I was saying no. Give them some reason to believe me.
You have to do what is best for you.