faith

There have been times when I was not okay because I was drained or didn’t know what to pray about, or lacked motivation. I was tired of praying because I had no stream and strength to keep pushing and moving forward and seeing others live out the things I wanted to do. I genuinely wanted to be happy for myself, but in my mind, I told myself that it would never happen for me. I was so injured that I became infected. I struggle with trusting God, waiting on God, doubt, fear, anxiety, depression, etc. I want to be positive and pray, but all I see is negativity.

I was doing good in reading scripture using the SOAP method; It felt like nothing was connecting. There were days when I felt so disconnected from God’s presence that I didn’t feel like I was making any progress towards anything. When I talked with God, I doubted that He heard me, and there were days when I didn’t felt His presence or hear His voice that made me felt invisible. When my prayers didn’t get answered, my mind gets clouded that I am not doing enough or didn’t deserve it, or I need to work harder cause I’m not working hard.

My thoughts can be dangerous, especially at night when I’m all alone and reticent around. Nothing to keep me busy or grab my attention. Just me lying in the dark. I go on social media, and my page is circulating more Christian-related videos with scriptures, clips of sermons, and testimony. And I felt tortured. I see how God is blessing them and having them live out their best life. I want to be living my best version of myself and accomplish the dreams and visions God has given me. But I felt stuck. I felt suffocated. I’m surrounded by amazing people doing extraordinary things, and it’s hard to keep my head up. Friends encouraged and sent me sermons and songs that would lift me. But it doesn’t stick. It just slides right off. I hear what you are saying, I saw how it worked for their lives, but I didn’t see it happening in my life. I’m scared to tell other Christians how I felt and what I was struggling with because I have tried talking with some of my closest family members about it, and it was not receptive. It started from “You need to stay positive” to “where is your faith at?” to “Why even go to church?” to “You should stop going to church because you’re not being positive.”

I am not going to lie; I have thoughts about stopping attending church. I had my mind made up to discontinue everything. I didn’t want to release my infection to others. What hurts most is that I was healing so well from childhood/teen wounds and parent relationships; I tumbled into another hole. Regardless of what my family said, I find myself still going to church—participating in a couple of ministries, taking notes, singing, and praising. I don’t know why. I felt like a hypocrite. A fraud. A fake. Cause it’s easier to be positive for others than for myself. They are already living out their dreams. I told myself that I would pray for them cause their prayers seemed to get answered more than mine.

I have cried so much that I don’t understand my tears anymore. This overwhelming burden is too much for me.

I have taken so many hits from being rejected from multiple schools. I tried to apply to research programs to help improve my applications based on the advice of a couple of schools. And I kept seeing rejection. I was starting to get bitter towards God and others. I did not understand why God did not want me to go to school. I have a desire to go back to school. It seemed like He didn’t want me to go. He made me feel stuck. 

What added more salt to my wounds was when I saw other people, through social media, getting accepted into their various program choices. I couldn’t be happy because they were in a place I wanted to be. That’s why I rarely scroll their Facebook or Instagram because I am constantly reminded of people in positions I want to be in.

I saw scholarships given. Another wound opened. I was looking at people who aced the test without studying. Stab. So Many other things I can’t remember that hurt me.

Hit after hit after hit.

My thoughts:
“Maybe God is telling me that I am only good at what I am doing right now.” (Currently working as a dance instructor and lead behavior technician, works with children and teens with autism).
“There is no point to pursue when you are going to fail again.”
“I am not smart enough.”
“You should have worked harder.”
“You won’t get in the next time if you apply.”

Bishop Rosie preached a sermon titled Injured Faith. I didn’t realize how injured I was until she taught it. One statement she said, it was inspired me to write this post. “What was meant to inspire you will irritate you when my faith has been injured.”

It explained so much about my current situation. Any wounds around school, family/friends, dating, etc., made my blood start to boil a little like steam coming out of the kennel.

My faith had a tiny infection because I spoke and thought were negative. I knew in my heart that I wanted to go to school; what I said contradicted what I believe.