Feeling of Hopelessness

Semester: Fall 2018

I am in college, and this was the worst semester! I felt like I was losing hope and my drive to do anything. I felt comparing myself to others by looking at social media. Either the people were getting engaged, getting married, or hanging out with friends. I believed that their happiness would make me happy. I wanted to find a group of friends who would ask me to hang with them whenever we were available. I hope to date a guy that has similar interests as me. However, it was not happening as fast as I wanted it to go.

During this time, I was losing interest in doing the things I loved to the most. I struggled motivating myself to get out of bed at times and even lost my interest in studying for exams. I felt numb, and I didn’t care anymore. I was at the bottom of the wave. I was near the bottom of the trench that I was saying that I didn’t care what grade I would get on my exams. I was going back to doubting myself and wanting to have a life that I was starting to achieve.

I was scared to reach out to my friends because they see me as a happy, positive person. How could I possibly tell them that I have depression and it is hitting me like a ton of bricks? How could I tell them that I didn’t want to go to class and all I wanted to do was lie in bed? I was scared because they would judge me for being melancholic and they would stop being my friends because of it. Whenever my friends asked, “How are you doing?” I wanted to say that “I am terrible and I am feeling down in the dumps,” but I would actually say “I’m okay” or “I’m alright.” How I looked on the outside (trying to look happy) reflected differently from what I felt on the inside (exhausted and discouraged).

First Signs: Middle School

Anyone who is going into middle school can struggle with self-esteem and developing their identity. My self-esteem was at an all-time low.  I was struggling to find my real friends. The friends that would invite me to hang out with them on the weekends. It didn’t help that social media was becoming more popular and I compared my life to others. I felt alone, and I thought that they did not like me being around them because I was not like their friends. I tend to sit by myself unless the 2-3 friends I had asked me to sit with them.

When I tried to “branch out,” some people would say that I was weird or that I didn’t belong. My hope was slowly draining. I was to talk to others because I was afraid that I would be attacked for trying to be a friend. Plus, I am an introvert, and it takes a lot of courage to make the first move and speak. Do not get me wrong, I did have some good times with the people who were my friends like having sleepovers and attending Wyldlife every other Friday. But, I was trying so hard to be like other but that I felt desperate. So, I created this image of myself of being a strange girl looking to be in the in-crowd and be cool.

I also hard to “bad” relationship with my mom. At the time, she was with a guy, let’s name him Terrence*, that didn’t like me and wanted to grab her attention away from me. Terrence also compared me to his son because I had better grades than his son. I didn’t know who his son was and he was probably in his mid to late twenties, and he had a family. I felt like my mom chose him over her own daughter. When I asked her if she was available to hang out for dinner, for example. If she said no, then I know she had to work on that day. If she said yes, then I would be happy because I knew I would be able to spend time with her. When the day arrived, I would ask her if she was still available. She would confirm; however, she said that she was going to hang out with Terrence and his family. Those words she spoke slapped me in my face. How could she tell that she was going with Terrence! I was upset about, but I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. I tried several times to hang out with my mom if she was not tired from work. The times I did try she would go with Terrence instead of hanging out with me.

I felt like my mom abandoned me.

On top of struggling to stay afloat in middle school. I had some family members who would yell at me for voicing my opinion or express what I felt about certain situations.  Reflecting now, I was depressed. My mother says that I could have spoken with her about how I was bullied by some of my classmates. I felt like I try to talk to my mom about her relationship with Terrence, how he wasn’t the right person for her and my middle school experience. But, she didn’t listen to me.  I did not know who to turn too.

I was grey and I felt numb.

Back to the Future: Talking to my mom and dad

My relationship with my mom is better. We had several conversations about what I went through in middle school. She apologized for not being there for me because she thought that I knew I could come to her about anything. I feel more comfortable talking about what I am feeling. The other family members I mentioned earlier, I do not tell them as much as I tell my mom. We are still talking out things that had happened to me in grade school, but there is a huge improvement. I am happy that she wants to be

My relationship with my dad became stronger since I became an adult. I can tell him things that I went through in middle and high school. And for some reason, my dad is twenty times more positive about what I went through than myself. I can tell him something that is bothering me, and he can see the light at the end of the tunnel. He is a reasonable person. He talks to me about the people who picked on me and tole me not so nice things, are people who might not be happy with themselves. When I felt hopeless, he advised me to change my sensory by going to the movies, exercise more at the gym, or traveling out of town. He suggested adding more cucumbers to my diet to where combat stress and improve my mood.

Encouragement

One thing that helped me a lot in middle school was finding an extracurricular activity, I choose to dance. I have danced since the age of three. Dancing has helped me relieve my stress and anxiety. It helped me forgot some of the pain I felt during middle school.  It was something that no one could take away from me because I made it my own thing. Dancing was my passion and something that I look forward to doing each week. Dance is a part of my self-prescription.

I recently have been reading a book called Unstuck by James  S. Gordon, M.D.  Dr. James Gordon talks about how he introduced to writing your own self-prescription to one of his patients. He discusses how you make a list of things that will make you happy. Below is my self-prescription that helps me when I feel depressed and/or anxious. Your self-prescription can be anything that recommendations people gave, something you did in the past that brought you joy. Make sure to put your name at the top of the sheet like an actual doctor would. And sign the prescription at the bottom.

Name: Teleaha Date: 12/1/18

Signed: Teleaha

References:

Gordon, J. S. (2011). Introduction: Is There Some Other Way? In Unstuck: Your guide to the seven-stage journey out of depression (pp. 36-45). London: Hay House.

Waliszewski, B. (2010, January 08). When You Feel Hopeless. Retrieved March 19, 2019, from https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/teens/when-you-feel-hopeless The Feature Image