I never that I would have to retake another class. Especially during my last and fourth year of undergrad. I had everything planned out for my senior year. I made a list of courses that I would need to take to finish my major, psychology, and minor, sociology. This list did not include any science classes because I would have been done with the prerequisites for medical school during my junior year. Senior year was going to be smooth sailing. But the joke was on me!!!!! I made a C in Biochem and a B- in the second part of biology.
In my whole three years of being in undergrad, I have never felt so crushed in my life. Usually, I predict what grade I would get for the class, and I would be okay depending on the course. But this time, my predictions were wrong. Maybe I deserve the grades that I got in these classes. Perhaps I could have done better and studied more. Maybe I should have dedicated more time taking notes and reading the assigned textbooks.
How could I though?
My whole junior year, I just didn’t care about school anymore. Especially during the spring semester. My drive to learn was gone out of the window. I had no motivation and no interest to do anything school related. I just felt like I was going through the motions of being a student. Waking up, going to class, eat, work, and sleep. A regular routine I did every day. Plus I have been working two jobs (one being an internship turned to a second job). It has taken a toll on me. During finals, I would fast and pray and hope that I would get a good grade on my exams. I did it for all my classes. However, I didn’t get the letter grade I wanted in biochem and biology.
Test Anxiety
For as long as I can remember taking tests and exams. No matter how much I study, I would panic and get extremely nervous where there is a test in front of me. My heart rate increases and I can feel it pounding in my chest. I try to stay focus, and I don’t rush through the exams. My concentration starts to drift elsewhere, especially towards the end of the exam or if it is a subject I do not like. When it is a tough test, I tend to pull the hair on my head.
Test Anxiety is a type of performance anxiety when you feel incredibly anxious or nervous when taking an exam (Cherry, 2019). My negative way of thinking and being afraid to fail caused my test anxiety. I connect my idea of being successful, like getting an excellent grade to my self-worth. I think that attaching a grade to my ideal self would bring more significant value.
My Parents
I told my parents the grades that I made, and I burst into tears. I was upset with myself because I felt, and I knew I could do better. I felt like I was wasting more of my parents’ money to retake these classes again. My parents both said that I did a great job in my classes because they could tell that I was burnt out, I was working two jobs, and participating in extracurricular activities as well. My mom said that as long as I tried and did my best, that she was proud. But I knew that I was capable of doing and making a “C” was not my best.
My dad said that it’s not the end of the world, though it felt like it. He also explained that half of the Americans can’t accomplish what I could (being able to get a bachelor’s degree and maintain good grades in college). Getting a ‘C’ in class if something that he has gotten before and it is no big deal. I have NEVER should have gotten a “C,” I feel like my idea of my idea is ruined because I always see myself as getting mostly A’s and some B’s. Not, mostly A’s, some B’s and occasional C’s. If I felt average before, now I feel at the below average on the scale between poor and excellent. My dad said that I needed a break from doing school and work and take time for myself.
Another Setback
A week after I received my grades from school, I received an email stating that I wasn’t accepted into a summer research program, I applied for it in April, in Illinois. This was another blow to my self-esteem. I broke down crying. I felt like I was getting hit, brick after brick. I WAS MISERABLE. I told my parents about not getting this opportunity, and they could tell that I was hurt. They knew it was something I was looking forward to doing if I got it. My mother said there will be a reason that I didn’t get to go to Illinois. My dad stated one of the reasons why I didn’t get the position is that the researchers were looking for students who lived locally. He said that I had to look at it from all perspectives.
Therapist Appointment
I went to visit my therapist a couple of days after receiving the email about Illinois. I discussed with her what happened with my grades and research program. She said that she was “happy” that I went through the experience because she believes that it helped break my ideas of perfectionism and the “I should.” I told her that I felt that I disappointed those people because they knew I had the potential to get accepted into the program. When I didn’t get it, I thought that I let them down. My therapist said that she understands why I felt the way that I did because of the positive affirmation made herself and other people.
Regardless of the outcome, she said I have to remember what emotions I was going through, and I felt during the spring semester. I reflected on the words I just heard. I was feeling depressed, anxious, and burnout, which affected my grades. I was working two jobs plus doing extracurricular. It was a tough year, but I persisted. I made junior year work. She also said the people who are smart like me are not challenged academically until they in college. Another point she added was that these experiences were teaching me a lesson about how life is. That life is not perfect, and everything is going to go the way we planned it.
Encouragement
There are some people who are very content about getting a “C” in a very difficult class. However, those who are overachievers like me will assume their world has been turned upside down. We are so used to comparing ourselves to other people that we think we failed when we do not meet the expectation that we set for ourselves and from others as well.
So what do you do?
Stop comparing yourself with others. Ask yourself the following questions:
“How is it benefitting me to compare myself to others?”
“Will it help me with my goals at the moment?”
Another thing that will help is to go to therapy. Find someone that you will feel comfortable expressing yourself. If the therapist doesn’t work for you, then look to find another if you have the resources. Talk with someone can you feel your feelings of alone and empty.
The last I would say is find someone that motivates. Hang out with people who inspire you to do better. If you are associating yourself with people who bring you down and don’t bring the best out in you. Then those aren’t the best people to be in your inner circle. However, that doesn’t mean that they are bad people. They are not the best fit for you.
Remember, these experiences are teaching us a lesson and is helping us reveal our authentic self.
References
Cherry, K. (2019, June 29). Test Anxiety Can Make It Difficult to Do Well on Exams. Retrieved June 30, 2019, from https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-test-anxiety-2795368
Clements, R. (2014, February 05). 12 Things To Do When We Get Discouraged. Retrieved June 30, 2019, from https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/12-things-when-get-discouraged.html
Nieuwhof, C. (2014, January 23). Dear Discouraged Parent : Read this Before you Implode. Retrieved July 02, 2019, from https://theparentcue.org/dear-discouraged-parent-read-this-before-you-implode/ Feature Imag
Recent Comments